The premier of the Outliers and Outlaws documentary.

or... why my tear ducts were in overdrive last weekend

Ginger and I have had the privilege of being participants in a documentary about the lives of lesbians in Eugene, Oregon in the 1980’s. (see link to trailer below) Last Sunday the film premiered to a full house (500 people) at the University of Oregon. What was like to look at myself and my life in the past tense? And why were my tear ducts in such profound overdrive all weekend?

It is a wonderful film. It talks about the parts of our lives that were not easy, but it also describes the absolute joy we found in community. It is also funny, describing the endless rounds of collective decision making and what that entailed! There were so many young people in the audience and their presence touched me deeply. I know many of them are struggling, looking for the validation and comfort found with others who are “family”. Ginger laughs at me because I introduce myself to all of them and tell them that they are beautiful and I love them. Their beauty made me cry. What a perfect time to have a gathering of 500 queer folk and their allies, rowdy as hell, singing and celebrating in the midst of governmental chaos.

The last three weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster . Even for those of us who swore to meter the amount of news we watched and swore the political world would not take our joy… well how did that work out for you? For me not so great. Fear and hope compete all day in my mind. Fear about the future and hope watching community in action.

It is something to see yourself portrayed in a documentary about the life you have already lived. First, you watch yourself being literally large on a big screen. My words are frozen on the screen and are they words i feel good about saying? Thankfully, yes. And I was transported to a time that seemed like a breath away from the present. And there is that funny photo of me grabbing my naked breasts! Perhaps documentaries are the portal to time travel. Time travel is lovely (in this case), but a bit unnerving too…

I was so lucky…

To be surrounded by love, support, friends, family, and G. during these times and teachers… yes, teachers.

I invited my art teachers C and E to come to the premier. I hadn’t seen them for 10 years… And when I spotted them something inside me cracked open… who knew gratitude could make a person cry so hard? I think I may have drenched C’s jacket…

When i was in my early forties i went to art classes at community college. i was afraid, but i knew there was something there i wanted so badly. I have never really been able to thank them for my art practice, for my life as it is today. And these words, just words will never be thanks enough. I hope you have all had teachers who had a profound effect on your life’s destination. And what did they teach me, you ask?

C. draws like the angel Gabriel. This fact might embarrass him, but I believe his gift is of the divine. He taught me about process, about following through, about letting go of the end result. He taught me to really look at what i was drawing. He showed me it was a journey.

And E. the kindest and sweetest teacher. She was my first drawing teacher when I was so afraid of failure. She taught me to love my line, and to be gentle and always let me know it was ok to be different.

They both fed my passion for expressing the human story. In their presence I never felt an ounce of homophobia. I am so grateful. Gratitude and love. Seeing my past. Wondering how much of this life I still have in front of me. Not wanting to waste any of it.

They taught me that art was a real thing that I wanted and that it was ok to want it.

Back to my overflowing tear ducts… it all seems to be one big story in collision. My past, my discovery over the years that my art practice ties the years of my human story together. Thinking about KB, our film editor who spent the last 3 years looking at images of the past to tell our story. My drawings, my boxes and boxes of scraps of paper, my process. Trust me it was emotional.

My appreciation and gratitude is immense for the makers of this film. C, and KB, and G, and J, and L.

Who knew that the intersection of the past and present could make a person cry so much. It’s a good thing that tears are good for you.

Link to:

Trailer: Outliers and Outlaws documentary